Honey-do and Honey-please

This weekend had been an eventful one with the start of a new honey-please project. Now I know you are scratching yourself and wondering just what exactly a “honey-please” might be. Well just sit yourself right back and let me 'splain it to you.

After a few years of blissful union, I came to a realization. You see, there are two separate lists our significant others keep with the detailed accuracy and acumen that would put a CPA to shame. These lists are the honey-do and the honey-please.

The honey-do is known by most married men and includes all the chores, auto repairs, home repairs, and various other sundry duties that fit into a domestic pairing. It is true that the lists vary in content about as much as our women do in personality and their men in capability. Hell, my great-grandma emptied her own spittoon as it was to heavy for Pappy. But the honey-please list is a horse of a different color.

The honey-pleases are things the Mrs. would love to have done around the home but don't need to be done. The honey-do line items are all things that need to be done sooner or later, but the little lady generally likes them done sooner. No, the honey-please list would include things like, “Wow, I sure would love to have a nice tile around the pool” or “You don't know how much I hate this old carpet. Hard wood floors would make this room really look nice.” Completing a honey-please request can bring you all sorts of benefits and yes, even time extensions on those eternal honey-dos. I need not go into what types of benefits. Use your imagination to come up with your own because I ain't telling you mine.

So the honey-please I started this weekend was replacing the tile in our bathroom shower. The existing tile was separating from the wall and “we” thought it would be nice to replace the tile with a more interesting color. While I was at it, I should go ahead and widen the entrance to the shower stall by removing a portion of the wall. Again, we thought it would give the appearance o a larger bathroom. I set to it this weekend, starting with the most enjoyable part of the process – demolition. With a sledge hammer (10 pounder of course), claw hammer, brick cutter and a drill all laid out and sparkling, I set the dust to flying. I knocked out the dry wall and tile where I wanted to widen the entrance and moved a stud over to the new edge of the opening for shoring. While nearing the end of the destruction phase, I hit a snag – Carpenter ants.

We had a minor invasion the previous month, but I had thought my search and destroy mission a complete success after spraying the perimeter of the house and giving a colony in an old oak the ant version of Agent Orange. After the treatment the few ants I saw in the house were dead ants. That is until I ripped off a section of shower wall that was secured to an exterior wall of the house. Out they came, the workers, the larger brood watchers, and their aerial brethren. I swiped the winged invaders to their death with all the rage of Kong. I stomped and kicked and cursed them all, but with little effect. I called in chemical support and treated the entire shower area and sealed the room with an evil grin. The next day the bathroom floor looked like an ant adaptation of the sacrificial burial ground in Apocalypto - where incidentally Mel got his Mayans and Aztecs confused. Well, the movie is filled with historical inaccuracies but it kept me interested. Where was I? Ah, the bathroom's minimal square footage and poor ventilation warranted an additional day to air out before I can finish the last portion of demo and move to the cement board installation phase.

Though the ants have slowed me down a bit, after a few beers reflection I figure it will all turn out for the good. Snags mean more trouble, which means more credit with the Mrs.. Silver lining my friend, silver lining.